Being Malleable

So, here lately I've come to the realization that I have several beliefs which are in clear disconnect with my larger set of beliefs and which cause some of my ideas to completely contradict themselves.

I really appreciate I've been shown that what I believe about people sometimes is totally false. I think first off, I have a problem with judging people and their behaviors. Blame the psychologist in me, blame my jaded sense of reality, or just plain blame me. It doesn't really matter where the blame lies, it's a problem that I need to rectify.

My problem, overall, is setting people into tiers based somewhat on their actions but moreso on how they view life from what I think. It's pretty much foolish to do all this, because then one must follow this up logically by saying some people are better than others. Therefore, I reject that people should be set into tiers because I believe the truth is no one is better than anyone one else for any reason. I've tried to have both conflicting ideas, but that proves foolish. If no person is better or worse than any other, just different, then it's not the case that people can be placed into tiers. So, it's wrong of me to do and I'm going to strive to stop doing it.

Also, it's very hurtful to say to a friend that someone in particular is 'better' at something they do than they are. It must make them feel like they aren't good enough - also it's not a fair statement. I don't really know the truth of the matter; Who am I to make an arbitrary decision of who is better and who is worse anyway?

This counts for myself. I even set up people higher than me, believing them to have some understanding I don't, having access to something I don't, or being able to have a fuller life that I probably won't achieve. It's unrealistic, unfair, and silly. I reject this idea and I'm going to stop.

The only thing I have to share about myself which is the truth is this: I learn from my mistakes and change if at all possible.

I'm just glad it's the weekend

So at work on Wednesday, we were given a report to get worked by the end of today. My boss first informed me that it was about 160 claims, which between two people can EASILY be done in a two day period of time.

When I got the report it was 460 claims. That's nearly 3x the ammount, and we'll be lucky to have half of it done by Friday. I asked to make sure these were the right accounts - and they are.

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In other news, I tried to get everything set up for doing some stuff outside this afternoon. I prayed against the storms, but they came anyway. If things don't clear up by 10am, I'll have to cancel. It's kind of annoying, but I'll assume that something better will come out of this.

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Also I get to have lunch with Korryn today, before she leaves for Colorado forever - well, 2 weeks long of a forever anyway, so that should be cool. We get to eat some awesome Americanized Thai food, woot!

That's it for now

Random Post -> 1

This will probably be a very Attention Deficit Disorder looking post. I'm going to make this post basically throughout my day here. Basically I have a lot of random, disconnected thoughts on my mind. So I think I'll make a series of random posts all at once, and I may do this from time to time, so I'll keep them nice and ordered.

Sort of...

So one thought comes to my mind regarding women, relationships, and truth and how all three of those factors work together. I swear, my mind must be trying to drive itself crazy. Sometimes I just wonder why I can't come out and say what I want to, when I want to, as long as it is true. However, I know the exact answer. The truth is not safe. It is always good, but it can bring harm if used carelessly. Never has there ever been a better analogy than the truth being a double-edged sword. Truth can harm or it can save. It can be gentle or destructive. But I like it anyway.

I wonder why I write here sometimes - I think it has something to do with me wanting attention; but at the same time I haven' t yet placed this blog address into Facebook where everyone can see it, so therefore it's not attention I desire. Well, maybe it is a combination of attention along with fear. A fear of some people in my life seeing the truth in my life and always having my heart bare. I take that back. My heart isn't here - this is just an outpouring of my life. My heart is me and my deepest thoughts and desires that I rarely share with any person ever.

I need a new harddrive on my computer, but I'm not sure if I want to drop $50 on it....however this is after I've dropped $50 on Super Smash Brother's Brawl. Go figure.

AT&T I-Phones are gonna be freaking sweet now with the release of 2.0. Be afraid. Oh, I need me some G-Phone *sniffle*

I don't like overgeneralized questions - they confuse me because I tend to overexplain things.

God is very good to me. Probably better than I deserve, but I'm very thankful that he doesn't treat me as I deserve and I hope that I can treat people not as I think they deserve, but as God treats me.

I wonder if anyone is ever going to make a Team Fortress 2 mod with Futurama models. That would be totally awesome.

I think that's all the random information I have. Enjoy.

I like problem solving

I switched from Yahoo to Gmail today. I'm tired of Yahoo and them changing things to be more 'advanced' and 'user friendly'. Now Yahoo email doesn't work at work, and runs badly when I'm at home. To the pit with it.

However, in trying to transfer everything over to gmail, I wanted to switch my blogs as they were still linked to yahoo and not my new gmail account.

What is totally freaking bad about this is that you can't simply associate the yahoo account with a gmail account, cause Google can't do that (strangely enough). Instead, I had to sort for a way to fix it until I found I could make the new account the admin of all three blogs I have right now.

Goooooo fixin' stuffs!

That's it for now. Today was a terrible day for work (not exactly for me, but a lot of my coworkers). Now it's all gonna get much more interesting.

Yeah, it makes sense and other ramblings

Ok, I've had a few friends take the love language test thing. I took it too. While taking it I was concerned that I'd bend it to what I wanted it to say, cause I actually figured it was likely physical touch which I respond to best. I was fairly supprised.

Apparently quality time is higher, with physical touch being 25% less important (as far as the test scored it). While that was somewhat supprising, after thinking about it, it made sense. It seems that I really appreciate times I spend with people either one-on-one or having an interesting conversation. Unfortunately, I think I've very stuck-up about that preference, because I like the quality time to be on my terms. It's pretty selfish I know, but in the same token I don't get much quality time with other people. In a strange way, I think I crave it. And I really enjoy getting to sit with people and really talk to them, but the more people in the room the harder it gets, for sure.

This is actually most apparent while I'm 'checking out' a woman. (I only used that term for lack of better term that conveys the meaning appropriately. Just cause I don't really care about hiding truth about myself, I do generally make up my mind about a woman fairly rapidly in whether I'd be willing to get to know her or if I was attracted to her in any way. I think there is nothing wrong with keeping an eye out, because one never knows). Honestly, the ability to get some quality time or not could make or break my liking of a person. Some people never offer me a chance for quality time, so I don't really consider them, no matter how awesome they are. And in the same token, those that do may or may not spark my interest further, helping me make that decision easier. This could explain why I'm so very particular - I've been around enough that I know what I want and what I don't want. Then again, maybe what I need is something totally different than what I want. I want to eat ice cream, but peas and carrots might be much healthier and overall better for me. I've been rethinking all that lately.

I've got one other thing on my mind that fits into the other ramblings portion of all this. My battle between heart and mind:

The problem is this: I'm happy, but I'm not. I'm sad, but I'm not. I'm filled with joy, but I'm not. I'm wroght with sorrow, but I'm not.

See, the thing is that I'm a very emotional person in general. It's hard for me, especially being a guy, to be willing to easily admit that. But it's the truth of the matter. Due to this, I can get very out of sorts emotionally, but I have learned how to keep it under raps using rationality. So my heart is a raging sea of emotion, held in check by the dam of my mind. Sometimes I think I regulate myself too much. Sometimes I am so dulled to emotion that I either don't show any or show such a depreciated emotion that it could be seen as not-genuine. It's like I know how to control my emotions, but not how to use them appropriately so I try to avoid them altogether. My mind and heart feel as though they are in constant combat - one man torn between himself. I feel that sometimes this is bad, because I know sometimes I consider myself my own worst enemy. In a way, there is so much I want to let out, but it feels dangerous doing so. Also, it doesn't do me well being pitted against myself constantly.

Not sure what I'll do about all that yet.

I have glasses once again...

...and since I've been wearing contacts so long it's causing:

a) distortion
b) "lagged" images
c) disorientation
d) dizziness

YAY!

Whoa, I just woke up!

This morning I awoke with excruciating stomach pains at right about 5:00am. I've been wanting to get up really early for awhile, but I think it finally took some severe action by God to wake me at that unseemly hour. However, now I am quite awake and actually all ready for work. I have about a half-hour before I should consider heading that way, but I'm definitely up.

I really hope my glasses decide to come in today - my contacts are getting past bothersome and into annoying territory. I've got this strange feeling that today is gonna be one of those really great days for some unknown reason. I'm sure whatever that reason in will be revealed to me in due time or throughout the course of the day. Some matters have begun to get heavier on my mind very, very recently so I'm wondering how those matters are going to turn out today. Things, in general, are happening more rapidly than I first anticipated. That's kinda good when you expected to have to wait - but if you don't need to be built up on patience right now, and things are coming rapidly, one starts to wonder where he'll be built up this time. It's exciting but also confusing.

The Lord our God has made a glorious day for us all - rejoice and be glad!

Three day weekends go down smooth.

So, I had a pretty awesome weekend. I feel like I did a lot and really didn't waste any time. Even when I was up really late making tea, I used it wisely by studing a large part of Ephesians. I'm pretty used to wasting time, so it was good to use it well for once.

I just had a really full weekend, and appreciated it. Most of the weekend, it felt like, I was hanging out with Ashley and Korryn. Part of me feels kinda weird for hanging out with the women most of the time. Then again, it was a lot of fun. As strange as it sounds, part of me feels weird about it because of the fact that I don't feel weird about it. Nevertheless, I'll just run with it.

Now, I'm back at work, doing the same old work thing. It's not that bad really, just kinda boring and the same thing over and over. I think I liked the 'work' at the Gas Station more, but the people ruined it. While here, the people make it better and the work ruins it. Kinda funny really.

Back to the weekend, because I digress.

Saturday I woke up pretty early and staggered around for a few hours, as per the norm. At about 1pm I met up with Korryn and Ashley to have lunch. Then soon afterward they came over to my house and played the Wii while I was brewing tea for Sunday. 3 hours and 3 1/2 gallons later we left to a barbeque and hung out there until about 9pm or so when we ran out to see Indiana Jones - picking up Barry in the transit. Long story short, I got home about 1am and stayed up brewing tea until 5am.

Sunday I staggered out of bed in much the same manner about 11:30am. I was pretty much in a stupor, trying to get ready for the wedding that day at the same time. I then went to Pablo and Erica's wedding (losing one gallon of unsweetened tea into the trunk of my car, oi!). That was pretty awesome too. Then we hung out in the park and ate and sang and just enjoyed time. I had an enjoyable conversation with Melinda as well. Afterward I had planned to meet with Ashley over at the Douce house again and we had our meeting. THEN we went to see Prince Caspian, lol. Got home at 1am, crashed out at 2am.

Monday Ashley, Korryn, Gina, Lydia, and I all had breakfast at Country Kitchen. That was totally awesome by the way. Then I went over to their house and watched Die Hard while resting off the meal. Soon after, 3pm, I went over and picked up Emad and I let him drive my car around (I was with him, so it was cool). And I sucked it up when he wanted to go shopping. I don't like no shoppin'. Haha, I just wanted to get in and get out. It was good hanging out and talking with him though. He's a cool guy for sure. Then I got home about 6ish...and I watched another movie.

So then I took Gina's dog, Henry, for a walk. That was a good time and I think Henry really enjoyed it...he kept almost choking himself on the leash because he wanted to move around so fast. I felt kinda sorry for him, but he was doing it to himself. That dog is bigger and stronger than me, and basically he takes me for walks now.

Any deep thoughts this weekend? I had a few.
Most of them center on consideration of the impossible. I feel I need to consider and pray through situations I feel are impossible, because as long as I feel they are that way I limit what God is capable of as my faith will not reach beyond impossibility. There is one particular place, but I feel I need much more prayer into the topic first before any other consideration is made. Right now I'm in the thinking stage...not quite to the action stage yet.

I think that's it for now. Enjoy dear readers.

So I'm writing a story now

Check out the link to the right hand side (Thataway -->>>)

It's to another blog (which I had and didn't realize) and I'm now writing a story over there that is totally and completely unrelated to this blog.

Email address Brian, not User Name

I just reset my password cause I couldn't read the English language. Gooooo Me!

Sweet! I'm back to being Poo-! (Short for Poor, can't afford the 'r' yet)

So yeah. I messed up my money situation something fierce about 2 weeks ago. Finally it's all back to normal now. With the stimulus check that comes in somtime next week I should be up-and-over everything again and back on track.

I admit, I do not handle my money very well sometimes. I think this is a chance to get that responsibility back. I finally have my online banking working again (after like 3 years of it not working) so I should be able to be a money-Nazi and keep track of it all much better.

I also had a good late night conversation with a friend of mine last night. I really enjoyed that. I always enjoy getting to know someone better and learn new things about them. It was also really cool to be able to discuss some light philosophy. I guess I just enjoy seeing how people tick and what makes them the way they are. It was also a great learning experience.

I think I'll start a 'Things I learned today" note. My first one shall be this:

I learned today that medical insurance companies are now officially using the NPI# instead of the Tax ID# on claim forms - now claims are going to start denying like crazy! How exciting...

More to come...

First thought

I'm not going to introduce my thoughts or subject matter, I plan to just jump right in. So keep up, if at all possible.

Ok, so I was reading Ephesians the other day. It was yesterday. Anyway, I read a part where it's stated that Christ is there to reconsile and bring two peices into a whole. I need to look back at it, but it seemed to speak to me a little. I know we are asked to die to ourselves, and to be risen up again in new life, through Jesus, to be a partaker in God's great gift for us...but are we called to completely lose our old selves, or to simply lose the sinful nature of our lives previous?

It seems to be the latter as opposed to the former. There are parts of my nature, for one, that I try to fight. Sometimes it's that I'm a night person and not a morning person. No matter how hard I've tried, I just can't stick to a morning schedule. I just enjoy the night-life so much more. I think this is not a problem if I use Christ to meld this aspect of myself with the new aspects of my life. I'm by no means perfect, but I am learning so much.

I'll probably write a lot in a short period of time, but that's me getting used to this new blog-o-bloggy.

Now testing ctrl+P!!

This first post is a test

I'm just making this first post to see how everything turns out

How fonts are going to look, and such

Arial
Courier
Georgia
Lucida something
Times
Trebuchet
Verdana
Webdings - LoL, webdings!