Being Malleable

So, here lately I've come to the realization that I have several beliefs which are in clear disconnect with my larger set of beliefs and which cause some of my ideas to completely contradict themselves.

I really appreciate I've been shown that what I believe about people sometimes is totally false. I think first off, I have a problem with judging people and their behaviors. Blame the psychologist in me, blame my jaded sense of reality, or just plain blame me. It doesn't really matter where the blame lies, it's a problem that I need to rectify.

My problem, overall, is setting people into tiers based somewhat on their actions but moreso on how they view life from what I think. It's pretty much foolish to do all this, because then one must follow this up logically by saying some people are better than others. Therefore, I reject that people should be set into tiers because I believe the truth is no one is better than anyone one else for any reason. I've tried to have both conflicting ideas, but that proves foolish. If no person is better or worse than any other, just different, then it's not the case that people can be placed into tiers. So, it's wrong of me to do and I'm going to strive to stop doing it.

Also, it's very hurtful to say to a friend that someone in particular is 'better' at something they do than they are. It must make them feel like they aren't good enough - also it's not a fair statement. I don't really know the truth of the matter; Who am I to make an arbitrary decision of who is better and who is worse anyway?

This counts for myself. I even set up people higher than me, believing them to have some understanding I don't, having access to something I don't, or being able to have a fuller life that I probably won't achieve. It's unrealistic, unfair, and silly. I reject this idea and I'm going to stop.

The only thing I have to share about myself which is the truth is this: I learn from my mistakes and change if at all possible.

I'm just glad it's the weekend

So at work on Wednesday, we were given a report to get worked by the end of today. My boss first informed me that it was about 160 claims, which between two people can EASILY be done in a two day period of time.

When I got the report it was 460 claims. That's nearly 3x the ammount, and we'll be lucky to have half of it done by Friday. I asked to make sure these were the right accounts - and they are.

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In other news, I tried to get everything set up for doing some stuff outside this afternoon. I prayed against the storms, but they came anyway. If things don't clear up by 10am, I'll have to cancel. It's kind of annoying, but I'll assume that something better will come out of this.

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Also I get to have lunch with Korryn today, before she leaves for Colorado forever - well, 2 weeks long of a forever anyway, so that should be cool. We get to eat some awesome Americanized Thai food, woot!

That's it for now

Random Post -> 1

This will probably be a very Attention Deficit Disorder looking post. I'm going to make this post basically throughout my day here. Basically I have a lot of random, disconnected thoughts on my mind. So I think I'll make a series of random posts all at once, and I may do this from time to time, so I'll keep them nice and ordered.

Sort of...

So one thought comes to my mind regarding women, relationships, and truth and how all three of those factors work together. I swear, my mind must be trying to drive itself crazy. Sometimes I just wonder why I can't come out and say what I want to, when I want to, as long as it is true. However, I know the exact answer. The truth is not safe. It is always good, but it can bring harm if used carelessly. Never has there ever been a better analogy than the truth being a double-edged sword. Truth can harm or it can save. It can be gentle or destructive. But I like it anyway.

I wonder why I write here sometimes - I think it has something to do with me wanting attention; but at the same time I haven' t yet placed this blog address into Facebook where everyone can see it, so therefore it's not attention I desire. Well, maybe it is a combination of attention along with fear. A fear of some people in my life seeing the truth in my life and always having my heart bare. I take that back. My heart isn't here - this is just an outpouring of my life. My heart is me and my deepest thoughts and desires that I rarely share with any person ever.

I need a new harddrive on my computer, but I'm not sure if I want to drop $50 on it....however this is after I've dropped $50 on Super Smash Brother's Brawl. Go figure.

AT&T I-Phones are gonna be freaking sweet now with the release of 2.0. Be afraid. Oh, I need me some G-Phone *sniffle*

I don't like overgeneralized questions - they confuse me because I tend to overexplain things.

God is very good to me. Probably better than I deserve, but I'm very thankful that he doesn't treat me as I deserve and I hope that I can treat people not as I think they deserve, but as God treats me.

I wonder if anyone is ever going to make a Team Fortress 2 mod with Futurama models. That would be totally awesome.

I think that's all the random information I have. Enjoy.

I like problem solving

I switched from Yahoo to Gmail today. I'm tired of Yahoo and them changing things to be more 'advanced' and 'user friendly'. Now Yahoo email doesn't work at work, and runs badly when I'm at home. To the pit with it.

However, in trying to transfer everything over to gmail, I wanted to switch my blogs as they were still linked to yahoo and not my new gmail account.

What is totally freaking bad about this is that you can't simply associate the yahoo account with a gmail account, cause Google can't do that (strangely enough). Instead, I had to sort for a way to fix it until I found I could make the new account the admin of all three blogs I have right now.

Goooooo fixin' stuffs!

That's it for now. Today was a terrible day for work (not exactly for me, but a lot of my coworkers). Now it's all gonna get much more interesting.

Yeah, it makes sense and other ramblings

Ok, I've had a few friends take the love language test thing. I took it too. While taking it I was concerned that I'd bend it to what I wanted it to say, cause I actually figured it was likely physical touch which I respond to best. I was fairly supprised.

Apparently quality time is higher, with physical touch being 25% less important (as far as the test scored it). While that was somewhat supprising, after thinking about it, it made sense. It seems that I really appreciate times I spend with people either one-on-one or having an interesting conversation. Unfortunately, I think I've very stuck-up about that preference, because I like the quality time to be on my terms. It's pretty selfish I know, but in the same token I don't get much quality time with other people. In a strange way, I think I crave it. And I really enjoy getting to sit with people and really talk to them, but the more people in the room the harder it gets, for sure.

This is actually most apparent while I'm 'checking out' a woman. (I only used that term for lack of better term that conveys the meaning appropriately. Just cause I don't really care about hiding truth about myself, I do generally make up my mind about a woman fairly rapidly in whether I'd be willing to get to know her or if I was attracted to her in any way. I think there is nothing wrong with keeping an eye out, because one never knows). Honestly, the ability to get some quality time or not could make or break my liking of a person. Some people never offer me a chance for quality time, so I don't really consider them, no matter how awesome they are. And in the same token, those that do may or may not spark my interest further, helping me make that decision easier. This could explain why I'm so very particular - I've been around enough that I know what I want and what I don't want. Then again, maybe what I need is something totally different than what I want. I want to eat ice cream, but peas and carrots might be much healthier and overall better for me. I've been rethinking all that lately.

I've got one other thing on my mind that fits into the other ramblings portion of all this. My battle between heart and mind:

The problem is this: I'm happy, but I'm not. I'm sad, but I'm not. I'm filled with joy, but I'm not. I'm wroght with sorrow, but I'm not.

See, the thing is that I'm a very emotional person in general. It's hard for me, especially being a guy, to be willing to easily admit that. But it's the truth of the matter. Due to this, I can get very out of sorts emotionally, but I have learned how to keep it under raps using rationality. So my heart is a raging sea of emotion, held in check by the dam of my mind. Sometimes I think I regulate myself too much. Sometimes I am so dulled to emotion that I either don't show any or show such a depreciated emotion that it could be seen as not-genuine. It's like I know how to control my emotions, but not how to use them appropriately so I try to avoid them altogether. My mind and heart feel as though they are in constant combat - one man torn between himself. I feel that sometimes this is bad, because I know sometimes I consider myself my own worst enemy. In a way, there is so much I want to let out, but it feels dangerous doing so. Also, it doesn't do me well being pitted against myself constantly.

Not sure what I'll do about all that yet.