Ok, I've had a few friends take the love language test thing. I took it too. While taking it I was concerned that I'd bend it to what I wanted it to say, cause I actually figured it was likely physical touch which I respond to best. I was fairly supprised.
Apparently quality time is higher, with physical touch being 25% less important (as far as the test scored it). While that was somewhat supprising, after thinking about it, it made sense. It seems that I really appreciate times I spend with people either one-on-one or having an interesting conversation. Unfortunately, I think I've very stuck-up about that preference, because I like the quality time to be on my terms. It's pretty selfish I know, but in the same token I don't get much quality time with other people. In a strange way, I think I crave it. And I really enjoy getting to sit with people and really talk to them, but the more people in the room the harder it gets, for sure.
This is actually most apparent while I'm 'checking out' a woman. (I only used that term for lack of better term that conveys the meaning appropriately. Just cause I don't really care about hiding truth about myself, I do generally make up my mind about a woman fairly rapidly in whether I'd be willing to get to know her or if I was attracted to her in any way. I think there is nothing wrong with keeping an eye out, because one never knows). Honestly, the ability to get some quality time or not could make or break my liking of a person. Some people never offer me a chance for quality time, so I don't really consider them, no matter how awesome they are. And in the same token, those that do may or may not spark my interest further, helping me make that decision easier. This could explain why I'm so very particular - I've been around enough that I know what I want and what I don't want. Then again, maybe what I need is something totally different than what I want. I want to eat ice cream, but peas and carrots might be much healthier and overall better for me. I've been rethinking all that lately.
I've got one other thing on my mind that fits into the other ramblings portion of all this. My battle between heart and mind:
The problem is this: I'm happy, but I'm not. I'm sad, but I'm not. I'm filled with joy, but I'm not. I'm wroght with sorrow, but I'm not.
See, the thing is that I'm a very emotional person in general. It's hard for me, especially being a guy, to be willing to easily admit that. But it's the truth of the matter. Due to this, I can get very out of sorts emotionally, but I have learned how to keep it under raps using rationality. So my heart is a raging sea of emotion, held in check by the dam of my mind. Sometimes I think I regulate myself too much. Sometimes I am so dulled to emotion that I either don't show any or show such a depreciated emotion that it could be seen as not-genuine. It's like I know how to control my emotions, but not how to use them appropriately so I try to avoid them altogether. My mind and heart feel as though they are in constant combat - one man torn between himself. I feel that sometimes this is bad, because I know sometimes I consider myself my own worst enemy. In a way, there is so much I want to let out, but it feels dangerous doing so. Also, it doesn't do me well being pitted against myself constantly.
Not sure what I'll do about all that yet.
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